porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
