Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
