I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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