I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
