I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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