No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
