I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
