Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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