If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
