Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
