Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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