I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
