i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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