the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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