I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
