Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
