david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
