We're like a lot better than the average bears
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
