i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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