Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
