Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
