I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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