I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just tell him i said nine months
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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