he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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