Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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