My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How's work?
Spinning.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
