u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
