im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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