tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
