I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
