And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
