i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
