it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
