If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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