youre lurking in front of me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
