First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
