I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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