a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
