So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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