she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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