Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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