I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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