I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
