3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think my fart just growled at me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
