I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
