Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
In America we eat man semen.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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