if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
