I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
