Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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