Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
