I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
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I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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