I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
