definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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