I cut my penus on the lid.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
