I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
