a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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