new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
barbara walters just said penis...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
